Well, when I came to the realization I don’t wanna be the elderly man with one shoe on outside of Bonnaroo confused by what weather is and dancing to music nobody else hears, I decided it was time to get healthier more productive habits, the one thing everyone agreed on is getting a hobby. This is an area of life I’ve always struggled with.

Here are hobbies I’ve legitimately considered to occupy my time, but quickly realized were not gonna work out.

• Crypto-Currency Trading

  After I watched about three commercials for crypto-currency apps, I was already imagining how to design my yacht. Here we go. Let’s do some crypto-currency trading. Well, after downloading the apps and not doing anything with them, there were several news stories where people had their entire fortunes cleaned out. After adding some light identity-theft paranoia to the concern of losing everything, I quickly removed the app and never looked back.

• Mixed Martial Arts

  This is 100 percent true. For around 2 days, I did research AND truly considered learning MMA. It appears that because I’ve spent some time on a treadmill, I now believe I can be the champion in a blood sport competition. Because I had the drive and dedication to jog for around 2 and a half miles, I believed that I was ready for some cage fights. This is another moment where I just realized that it might not be the easiest thing to do comedy in the morning if my collar-bone is shattered and my ribs are broken. I’ve since refocused to the more realistic physical fitness goal of being able to wear a standard size XXL shirt.

• Yoga

  You can’t Google anything about health without eventually running into something about the health benefits of yoga. I am a fan of what yoga does. I love that we live in the time of yoga pants. So I said what the hell, let’s do some Yoga. So I fired up YouTube and started to look for online Yoga classes. Turns out I’m not very flexible AND I find it super hard to concentrate because it’s like the most insanely sexy thing to watch making it almost impossible for me to not just stare blankly instead of doing the moves. Yoga was a complete fail for me.

• Cooking Classes

  Another hobby that is frequently suggested on the search for healthy ways to occupy your time is cooking classes. “Take a cooking class!” they say. I thought about this. I know how to cook some things, and it would be a cool skill to have. Then I thought, well… I’m trying to lose weight, maybe not having the culinary arsenal of The Food Network in my brain might not be the best for that. Again, I tend to get ahead of myself. I thought about taking a cooking class and am already getting plans for my restaurants and Master Chef championships.

• Weapon Forging

  Again proving that I need to cool it with the amount of TV I watch, there are moments I have every once in a while… after watching “Forged in Fire,” where I believe investing in a Forge might be a good thing to do. Getting into weapon forging is a great hobby to have in an apartment. I can’t argue that it would be an incredible feeling to forge your own goddamned sword. But I’m very clumsy, and I think my comedy career wouldn’t do that well after I melt my legs off by accidentally spilling hot metal on them.

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