We’ve all seen the forecast by now. The temperature is going to fall to about 38 degrees tonight. Most of us will be dead before dawn. The survivors will feed off of the frozen carcasses of the unprepared.
Here are a few tips to help live through Florida’s Armageddon 2019.
1. Wear tube socks with your sandals. Your tootsies will be freezing cold and you don’t want to lose them to hypothermia, so protect them with a layer of cotton. If no tube socks are present, drink alcohol.
2. Wear a tube sock on your peen. A warm, welcoming tube sock on your Johnson is always a smart addition on a chilly day. A tube sock will also double as a bulge enhancement device in your favorite pair of cargo shorts.
3. Figure out how your car’s heater works and turn it on. You may need to watch a couple of YouTube videos, but learning how your car’s heater works will pay huge dividends in personal comfort. PRO TIP: Don’t forget how to turn it off for later in the day.
4. Figure out how your home’s furnace works and be prepared to turn it on. Nothing warms a home better than a furnace. Well, maybe a house fire, but that’s a one-time thing.
5. Find a stripper and pay her to service you until late morning. True, you may wind up missing a Visa card or a wallet, but a motivated stripper will make you very happy until you check your bank account.
That’s about it. try to employ one or more of these Florida cold weather tips to ensure your survival during this bitter cold 6 hour span. God be with you on your formidable journey.